I am not a business woman.
I am a creative who has just shed her shyness.
The shell has been cracked open and the contents are spilling out, quite figuratively too sometimes. But don’t worry, I don’t want to lose some of you because of my blatant honesty.
You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t creative, supportive. Some well informed of my continuing ‘battle with cancer’, others oblivious. Seeing as this struggle every day I find, has a definitely positive, character building facet to it, I am wholly embracing this transformation it brings, from shy, introverted, sometimes ridiculously way too humble, creator of art, to an Oh Lord panic setting in caption; ‘ What if nobody ever hears this piece of music’?
After all, the joy this gift has brought me should be shared. Everybody deserves joy, and if it can be given freely by simply sharing on a platform such as social media, why not use it to get past this shyness as a composer?
Is it a good thing for a composer to be shy?
If you are one of such supporters of art, and you must be if you’re still reading this post, I believe your emotions will be tapped, if you allow them, and my musical and written contributions might touch a place in even one person’s similar position, whether in their bubble of failing, physical wellbeing, or on their ‘up’ days, when a different emotion will keep on lifting them.
And if you are quite simply someone who just loves music of all kinds, I hope you will find enjoyment and peace when you lend an ear here from time to time! We composers depend on people’s ears! Otherwise what’s the point of making the music!
We………. don’t always want to be crying because of our diagnosis. We want to wake up, as I just did today, and feel free. Could be for only this hour, this hour which I grab now, hold onto it, and crack open what creative treasure is ready for sharing today.
An artist paints a picture. I’ve seen the process. Building up the outline, the different layers, bringing life to a thought process, an emotion. And when it’s done ( or is it ever ‘done’), frames it, maybe photographs it. Shows it to people, maybe hangs it in an exhibition, and possibly never sees it again if it sells.
In my case, a songwriter, composer, my art does not give like that, forever hanging in a precious place because someone lovingly placed it there, because they very much wanted it in the first place. Unless the little black dots on my page are converted into something constantly alive and giving, sound waves touching emotions as they are released, hopefully having a positive effect on their new ‘owner’, the listener, they’ll stay in that dark bottom drawer. I actually want to leave something bright and glistening for my beautiful, beautiful boys, family, friends, old and hopefully many new, draping you all in the warmth, love, joy, I have always received when writing my music.
But I depend on you pressing a button on a link, and making a decision to listen, and that is quite a scary place to be.
For me to bring this side of me ‘out’- to come out in the open and allow my honesty to shine through that closed bottom, Narnia – like, drawer, where my very first try out compositions written as a very young teenager lingered for years, or that ancient hard drive, or that dusty old hand written sheet music, is a big deal!
I have to release these pieces…and let them go…..
Hopefully they will wing their way around the relatively compact choral and instrumental musical world out there, my local fabulous community here in Wexford, Ireland, and somebody will find something to suit their needs. It could be a little Xmas pop style carol for kids to finish off school term, or it could be a reflective piece to wash the stress of the busy day away. A rousing gospel style version of Amazing Grace, or funny little comic song ( I have a quirky sense of humour…my boys and I call them Mad Mammy moments)
I believe over my life time so far, I have had quite a diverse amount of life’s experiences, as we all have done, so my work reflects that quite startlingly.
I would be thrilled and honoured if you will journey with me, as I lay most of it out before you, little by little. Put my illness aside as I am trying to do and help me find joy, solace and excitement in this stage of my journey as a composer.
This is one of the silver linings which myself and David, my wonderful husband, often talk about.
If I hadn’t been given this gift of music, now in my illness, I would be lost. So lost…..
I’m reaching out to the world now, to those many people who are willing to take a chance on helping me fulfil some of the items on my bucket list. I don’t have the desires to see Niagra Falls, or jump out of a plane (mind you, seeing Niagra Falls would be amazing too! )
I just want to realize a few things, more within my short reach, doable things. And if one by one, the satisfaction I gain from that, becomes joy, then whenever that bucket list comes to an end, you will have been there with me.